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Zhanna Wilde


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Last years a church became to have great influence over peoples. Little by little peoples returns to the faith. And this is great! Because faithful man, adhering to spiritual and moral valuables, will never injure other people, complying to one of the main God's precepts:" love your neighbor as yourself".


One of the main church purposes is, as I think, development of this high morale merits in the peoples.
However, Russian Orthodox Church position, which at present day represents main religion confession in Russia, Ukraine and Belarus, as it formed historically, took unappeasable position towards transsexualism and transsexuals.

Sometimes this position is very tough, and this does not favor development of love and tolerance in the society.
Vice versa, intolerance of church itself develops the same intolerance of man to man in the society.
I was forced to discuss many times with Russian Orthodox Church representatives about that questions.
To my regret I don't hear convincing enough reasons.
Generally priest use citations from Holy writ, where you could not find a word about transsexualism and transsexuals. In no one, I underline, no one holy writ,whether Jewish tora,bible or Koran, you could never face
a mention about transsexualism.
Generally all the priests of Russian Orthodox Church refer to social conception fundamentals of Russian Orthodox Church, XII.9.

However I will notice, that during accepting of the doctrine in part concerning GLBT,Church servants follows the commentaries of not unknown Anatoly Berestov, the neuropathologist, who was engaged at his time, not too luckily as I think, because it was not his profile, with transgender problems.
And in practice, as opposed to dead at this time professor Belkin, understanding nothing in this problem.
In this document one can read many interesting things: about aborts and about those who perform it, about gays, transvestites e t. c.
And they try to support this all with citations from Holy writs.
But what have an interest - when discussion concerns the transsexualism there are no direct citations.
There are exist quite blurred ideas and ambiguous expressions of Holy sages, which they try fit to given problem.
Trying to fill missing gap, Church decide to think of next (citation):

"If sex change happens with one before christening, he can be admitted to this sacrament as any other sinner, but church will Christ him as belonging to the sex he was born. Ordination of such man to the holy rank and his entry to the church marriage is unacceptable" (end of citation).

Proceeding from foregoing one can make the next resume: Church recognizes transsexualism,but consider
this as a sin. And this chapter finishes so:

"from transsexualism it is to be differed wrong orientation of sex belonging in early childhood as a result of medicine mistake, linked with development pathology of gender indications. In this case surgical operation does not carry the sex change nature. Sorry, but wrong identification of sex belonging in early childhood can be observed among patients independent from whether it happens as a result of medical mistake of obstetrician, who have not noticed in time pathology in the time of child birth, or as a result of genetic level malfunction during mother pregnancy, which can happen as a result of the same medical mistake or oversight of gynecologist, who observed the pregnancy progress, and don't notice the expectant mother in time about existence of pharmacology drugs,which sets, for example, in case of men's prostate cancer, on contact with which it is possible that such genetic malfunction happens. Wrong gender belonging identification is transsexualism exactly.
So the Church messed up existing terms. What about theses about castration one by himself, which also often adduced as arguments,here we have the next:

Holy Orthodox Church rules with bishop Nikodim interpretations (Milosh):
Part 1, holy apostles: rules 18-24. Rule 22:

"One who castrate himself would not be accepted to clergy. Self-murderer Bo is an enemy of god's creature too.

Rule 24:

"layman, who castrates himself would be isolated from sacraments for 3 years.
Because he is navetnik of his life.
This speech is about body deformity, or if to be more accurate, about deformity which one made with his body by himself, and which prevents him from entering the sacred title. Abstention from marriage cohabitation for the sake of sky reign, about which sais Jesus Christ (Mf 19:12).
Church recognizes it, for its servants whose mission is to strive the sky reign, as an especially praiseworthy thing.


(Here some text haven't been translated)

It follows that the one who NATURE itself or VIOLENCE people like oskoplenie fired, was not in itself guilty,but oskoplenie, which produced some on themselves, should have been considered a serious sin before God and regarded as some sort of suicide. This explains the origin of apostolic dedication,which was expressed in Ap.pravilah mentioned, the true concept of the Church of abstinence and moral qualities, as clerics, and all Christians at all.
Most likely, the direct reason for publication of the Apostolic rules, in the form of law, served as a sect valesiyan referred Epifaniem (haer. 58)
and Augustin (haer. 37) and raised in Century II.
This sect, interpreting in their own famous words of Jesus Christ (Matt. 19:12), introduced a host oskoplenie.
Against this sect and were directed data Apostolskie rules, and sharpness with which they are contained, shows that its nechelovechny example threatened to "infection".
However, it is necessary to assume that this unfortunate "infect" sufficiently expanded, as a repetition of the same rules we meet at I Vsel.
Cathedral and later in the IX century Constantinople at the Cathedral of St. in the temple. Apostles.
"So here and get that transseksualizm is not no sin, and ordinary illness, took place at the genetic level, proof of modern science." Someone who very nature of violence or people like oskoplenie fired, was not in itself guilty " .
From the foregoing it can be concluded that church very often, is trying, as they say, simply "fit" extracts from the Holy Scriptures, under those or other problems, which she does not know the answer.
This attitude has made to the people Dushi confusion, fear and sometimes bezishodnost.
As an example, cite excerpts from a letter transseksualki much faith, which allowed me to use our correspondence, but asked not to call her behalf.


(from correspondence)

"Hi, Janna.
Thank for your reply
I can't understand, no one understands me.
Wall is everywhere, I can't see an exit. This is deadlock.
Maybe you can help me to understood myself
I am religious
Religious not by words, and not only in soul.
In February my spiritual father has died.
It is over, there is no more man who can pray for me.
I will not get in details, but I was a "healer" of great strength.
But my apprehensions, whether this gift from god or not, brings me to the temple, to the god.
Being realized that all this is a "diabolicalness" I leave it.
From this time all begins
"Demon" showed himself at his full grace and power.
I have survived, survived by my confessor's prays, fraternity's prays of monasteries in which I was directed.
God forgives me.
But health have not been restored yet.
The fact that church does not accept my inner feelings is false. Church accepts physical sex, and deviations from it too, but not inner disorder.
I try to fight down this all in me for many years
Sometimes it happens that up to 2-3 month I excellently live with feeling that all that was before it was not my wishes, not my thoughts and feelings
But moment comes and I got broken.
Inner conflict begins to develop with extremely strength.
And then it's over…
I don't want to live, but I can't go to another world.
I haven't rights to cut string of life
If I do so, I would doom myself to eternal sorrow.
And then, already there, my current sorrow would seem to me as a heaven.
There is no exit
Nowhere to run from myself.
I can't more. CAN'T
I understood that what I do is a fatal sin.
But I can do nothing with me.
Conscience or something else, word to word eats me from within.
I got entangled completely
There are no life in evil and lie, there are no happiness, gladness, love…
Evil destructs on its own, and hold it in oneself is foolish. It will destroy you.

So this is the letter
It is a cry of a soul which toss from side to side and can't find an exit from created situation.
Replying it I tried to solve this girl's problems together with her.
"Lets begin from a statement that situations without an exit just don't exist. Trust me!" I am very familiar with such feeling. In the last years I have experienced something like this. It looks like peoples turn away from me. No. They stay near. I see them, hear, communicate. But there was feeling that no one see me or hear me. I have lost my friends, loved work. Confidence in myself and in my strengths. And the most essence I have lost understanding of friends and peoples who was dear to me. It seems to me that I am dead. My soul wander among peoples. Trying to knock to their minds and hearts. But there was impenetrable dumb wall around. A wall of misunderstanding and alienation. Whether I necessary to no one? Or just I exist no more? This is horrible, terrifying condition! I remember it up to now.
In such complex periods fate set up a man before a choice:

1. Easiest, at first look, but most absurd decision is to declare to yourself that further life have no sense. And swallowing a tables, or by any other method, leave it on your free will. I can't judge a man for such choice. But I must try to do anything possible to dissuade him from making such absurd decision. Why? I would say about it later.

2. Submit with "hard" fate and "swim with stream", silencing intolerable soul pain and offence with alcohol or drugs. This is the reason of why many peoples just becomes drunkards and get down to the very "bottom" of society. This way is equal to suicide. Just not physical suicide, but spiritual. Although physical death comes to such peoples much earlier then it is supposed.
And there is one more way

3. Uneasy way of continuous struggle
Struggle, in first place, for yourself. Here I want to cite my favorite writer Paulo Koelio: "The sense of existence is to fall seven times and get up eight times"


(Here some text haven't been translated)

"In that night left one Yakov Foo and struggled with him until you see dawn, I saw that not odolevaet him, said:" My Father "I told Yakov:" You are not released until you bless me. "
He said: How is your name? He said: Yakov. He said: from now on you will not name Yakov, and Israel; because you struggled with God and man odolevat will. "
"Sometimes it is necessary to struggle good luck. With each person there can be a misfortune:  destruction of a city, death of the son, unfair charge, incurable illness... At this time the God TESTS the person that that has answered Its question:" What for you so cling to a life, after all it is short and full of sufferings? What sense in your struggle? "Then the one who cannot answer this question, reconciles. And the one who searches for meaning of the life, decides, that the God has arrived unfairly. Such person will go against the Destiny. During this instant, from heavens other fire - not that kills descends, and that destroys old walls and opens to everyone its true gift. Cowardly never will admit, that this fire has lighted their heart. Everything, that is necessary for them, - that new in a life most likely became habitual. Then they can live further and think how before. And brave betray to fire all old and, even by HUGE SINCERE SUFFERING, leave all and go forward. "Brave are always obstinate". Looking from the sky, the Lord smiles for pleasure, after all just He and wants it - that each person himself was responsible for the life. Eventually, the Lord has generously presented children with ability to make the CHOICE and to make the DECISION. Only at whom in heart sacred fire was lighted, dare to struggle good luck. And only they know a way back to Its love for come to understanding of that the MISFORTUNE is a TEST, instead of PUNISHMENT ".


Such a trial my own soul has passed. First way was absolutely unacceptable. First this is great sin. Depriving his life man dooms his soul to eternal suffering. Such a soul, as it defined not only in many religions but also in esoteric science, wander between "sky and earth", between "worlds" looking for asylum, until it would be completely devoured and shredded to pieces by dark forces. This is really "worse then get in hell". In the second place I have never looked for easy ways. Second way, as I think, is equal to first. Just man perform spiritual suicide. For me I choose third way. The way of continuous struggle. Whatever hard it would be.
In the first place I tried to see me from a side. By eyes of perfectly another, outside man. I tried to analyze, what bring me to this condition. But in youth everyone find me cheerful, buoyant man. Man who smiles always and to everyone. Man who love to live, who gifts gladness of this love to peoples around him. So what has happened? Where this festal soul condition gone? Here one can find many objective and subjective causes. Death of dear peoples. Hard material condition. Joblessness. Family conflicts and disorders. And much, much more.
But there is one, as I see it, the main cause:
We see the world such as we are.
World is our mirror reflection.
In that hard and complex for me period I eats myself from within and, naturally, ties to demand same requirements to peoples around me. Only later I understood that every man is unrepeatable and individual on his own. Every man is an independent world. It is independent space. But we all tied with some thin, invisible thread. Each of us is a small piece of something big.
What helps me at that time "After seven fallings get up eights time"? Here I present records from my diary, which I write while I still was a man:

(From the diary)
2002, 12 of November
"No one, nothing will do anything to you, except yourself! Set up your aim, goal, and look for a way to make it happens!". "Nothing in the life performs accidentally". "You see peoples around you as you are" If you relate to peoples around you with distrust, consider they are bad, evil, unworthy of you - exactly in the same manner world around relates to you. Considering you are evil, bad and unworthy of attention.

2002, 25 of November
My mistake is that I offend to all. I have fenced myself of the world and retreat into myself. As a result - world has fenced off me. My attempts to communicate or waiting for help faced the wall of alienation and misunderstanding.
Open yourself to the world and world would open to you. Learn to forgive and not to take notice to offend inflicted to you. Remember - this is life and the Creator tests you, your spiritual strength. To the evil reply with good. In spite of everything try to do something pleasant to peoples around you, and the life would reward you for that. This is the records!"

(From correspondence)

"I am religious
Religious not by words, and not only in soul.
In February my spiritual father has died.
It is over, there is no more man who can pray for me."
Why have you decided so. Our dear peoples, and all the more our spiritual advisors continue to support us, and pray for us, leaving to another world.
"But my apprehensions, whether this gift from god or not led me to the temple, to the god… Realizing that all of that is "devilry", I quit…God forgave me"
This one more time approves that Your soul is at side of Light, not darkness. And what you have passed is an redemption for that you done earlier. Reckoning is always inevitable. Main thing is that you found strength in yourself to get out of this circle. Honor and praise to you for this! You are strong person!
"Church accepts physical sex, deviations from it too, but not inner conflict"
Looks like you, probably, expressed not quite correctly. Church always was for unity of soul and body.
For harmony between them. Because of if there are no such unity, as it can be observed among transsexuals, it leads to karmic fault. One can say system balance fails. This is fraught with chaos and complete destruction of System, World, Space, call it as you want. Man is independent, unrepeatable world. This is independent space.
And his death, you can trust me, would not bring the gladness to Creator.
"For a long time I try to overcome this… Inner conflict began to develop with great strength… And then it is over…"
This is the third way I sad about earlier. The way of continuous struggle. This one more time proves the strength of your spirit. You can achieve many in your life. Mai thing for you is to define and make a decision. This is very hard to do. But once you made an uneasy choice. You found strength inside you and gone from the dark side to light. Now it is coming to you to make something like that. But now, as distinct from last choice, this step would be much easier to do. Main thing is to hear what your heart says. And speak through it with you would your spiritual adviser. Hear the voice of your heart.
"No exit…"
Falsehood! Exit is always exists.
"nowhere to run from myself…"
This is true. You can run nowhere from yourself!

What is foreordained to you by fate must be passed. Whatever hard it would be. This is your cross, and you have to carry it to the end.
"I understood all I do is a mortal sin. But I can do nothing with myself… Conscience or something else, word to word, eats me from within…"
At the first place, there are no peoples without sins in the world. You know that. At the second, there are different sins, including more terrible than what you decide the sin. Here I present one more citation of my teacher: "There are only two forbidden things - one according to peoples law, the other according to god. Never force one to sex, it consider rape. And never have sex with children, this is the worst sin. In all other things you are free!"
Paulo Koelio

"There are no life in lie and evil, no happiness, gladness, love… Evil destructs by itself, and hold it inside is foolish. It will destroy you".
So, clear head! You has said all right. You has just splendid confessor. He laid such a great spiritual base in you! From this well you can draw and drink for a many and many years! And each time it would give you strength. I wish you Luck and Strength in the struggle. And i also wish you unity between your body and your soul. Fondly embrace you, Janna."
Trust me, I don't protest against church! I, as many other peoples, am a religious man. It is just very offensively to me that Orthodox Church with its thought and vision on modern world problems are still at the middle age level. And as you know life is not stand at place. With every year world make new and new discovers and church, in my humble opinion, might not to fall behind this progress. Even such a conservative and tough Islam religion, in which for, as it seems, not so terrible sins one can be beaten with rocks to the death, has recognized transsexualism. Mussulmans spiritual leader Irana Ayatola Homeini published special religious law, according to which transsexualism doesn't considered as a sin and permits sex change operations in his country. At present day Iran have a second place in the world after Thailand, where such operations performs, which was repeatedly wrote in press.
I hope that in the near future our Russian Orthodox Church will follow this reasonable example, and peoples began to relate to each other with even much understanding, trust and love! I really want to believe in that.

Zhanna Wilde ® 2008г.

Article has been published at conference TGrus


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